I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
