Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
