K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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