I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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