I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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