If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
