Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
