Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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