girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
