Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
