My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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