Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
