fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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