If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
