WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
