Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
