Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
