sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
