There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
