You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
