On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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