Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It's shark week go big or go home
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
