because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
