gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
