If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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