they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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