woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
