mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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