i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She bit a glass in half.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
