they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
