i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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