Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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