I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize