not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
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I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
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It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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