I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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