she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
