I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
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Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
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Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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