if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
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