I think my fart just growled at me.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
it's like iHOP with fire
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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