i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
