If i come over, it means nothing
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
