how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
