I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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