He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
