I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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