this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
