They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
