o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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