I wish I could punch you in the face.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
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So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
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I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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