I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
