he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
