im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
