so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
