Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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