He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
