I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
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All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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