he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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